Validation is the acknowledgment and acceptance of ones’ strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviours as understandable.
As social beings, it is human nature to want to be validated and accepted, both by ourselves and by others. Yet, we are often the worst critic of ourselves, not recognising the good efforts put in nor acknowledging the outcomes achieved. One ends up in a downward spiral, draining out every ounce of energy he has as he denounces each effort and achievement.
The same would apply in our relationship with one another. A liner of validation communicates acceptance, encouragement, and positivity while a criticism communicates disapproval, discrimination, and negativity. Each is a catalyst on its own, delivering rippling effects and impact far more than what we could imagine.
Explanation
When faced with any challenges, one is not able to move on to resolution if he does not acknowledge and accept what the challenge presents. Acceptance is a vital first step to open up options for solutions. At its core, it would allow one to accept his strengths and weaknesses, enabling him to seek resources that would complement his strengths, optimising the possibilities to deliver the best or desired outcomes.
On the other hand, the denial of the issue at hand limits the possibilities that one could explore for resolution. Self-criticism kicks in and denounces one’s abilities to overcome challenges, creating a less desired outcome.
Coming from a typical Asian family, validation, acknowledgment, and praise are not the things that my parents are generous with. If I were to score 95 out of 100 for a Math examination, a typical response would be “You could try harder and do even better next time.”. The younger me took this as a criticism and this drove the self-belief that I was not good enough. I started to apply that to everything I do and did not dare to acknowledge my achievements even when I topped the class.
The constant self-critic kicked in and my self-worth was low. As I stepped out to the working society, I lacked self-confidence and set myself back from accomplishing things because I did not think I could deliver challenging workpieces well. It was when I was first validated by a colleague for the role I played in his project that made me realised how I had boxed myself into a tight space. That validation changed my perspective and opened up a whole lot of opportunities that I was either too afraid to try or not aware of.
This power tool is designed to help clients to move on from the limiting beliefs of their true self to acceptance and empowering themselves to achieve desired outcomes in life. The same tool could be used to improve relationships and leadership practice.
Self Application
While validation may seem more natural to come externally from others, it need not necessarily be so. In fact, self-validation is key to create an emotionally healthy, confident core that enables one to live positively. This is a practice I started doing consciously within my daily journaling and I found it most helpful for myself to create that internal balance I require daily.
Take a moment each day to self-validate and care for our emotional health:
List 1 – 3 tasks or experiences you have in the day, regardless of whether you are satisfied with it or not.
For each of the items listed, write down the following:
- Your thoughts and feelings around it
- One positive statement to recognise your efforts, actions, or behaviours in that task or experience
This daily reflection can also be incorporated into one’s journaling. The action of putting down one’s thoughts and feelings around the tasks or experiences allows oneself to acknowledge and accept these thoughts and feelings. The process normalises the feelings and sensations felt at each experience. The positive statement moves the individual to the next space of recognising the efforts, behaviour, and actions taken in those experiences. This creates positive energy for the days ahead, fuelling the mental self for future challenges and experiences, at the same time, he would have silenced the negative self-talk that may have gone through his mind during the day.
This exercise creates a mindfulness practice. Over time, one would grow sensitive to his negative self-critic as he goes about in his daily tasks. He would be able to silence the self-critic with his positive statement intuitively and move on with his tasks without spiralling downwards.
Head to the resource page to download a free template for daily self-validation exercise.